Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but how you repair after an argument makes all the difference. In the virtual workshop Love Upgraded Nov 2024, couples learnt how to move from emotional awareness to effective expression. Here’s what they discovered about turning conflicts into moments of connection.

Why Expressing Needs Matters

Unspoken needs often lead to resentment, frustration, and repeated misunderstandings. The Gottman Institute highlights that openly sharing needs:

• Builds trust and intimacy
• Prevents conflict cycles caused by miscommunication
• Shifts responsibility from expecting a partner to “just know” to clear communication

Common Pitfalls in Expressing Needs

Many couples fall into patterns that make conflict resolution harder:

• Assumptions – Expecting a partner to read your mind leads to disappointment.
• Indirect communication – Hints and passive remarks create confusion instead of clarity.
• Avoiding conflict – Suppressing needs out of fear makes conflicts worse over time.

From Conflict to Connection: A New Approach

Participants in Love Upgraded explored a new framework for expressing their needs, shifting from old conflict patterns to healthier communication habits.

Old Pattern

Unexpressed Need → Assumption → Disappointment → Resentment → Conflict

New Pattern

Clear Expression → Understanding → Action → Connection → Trust

This shift empowers couples to move from frustration to meaningful conversations that foster emotional closeness.

 

How to Express Your Needs Clearly

The workshop introduced a simple yet powerful formula:

“I feel [emotion] about [situation], and I need [specific request].”

Breaking it Down with Examples

Step 1: Start with a Feeling
Rather than blaming or criticising, focus on your own emotions. For example:

·         Instead of “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel unheard when I talk about my day and you’re on your phone.”

Step 2: Describe the Situation Neutrally
Give context without assigning blame:

·         Instead of “You’re so distant,” try: “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time together during dinner.”

 Step 3: Make a Clear Request
Be specific about what you need:

·         Instead of “Be more affectionate,” try: “I’d love for us to cuddle while watching a movie.”

Practicing Real-Life Scenarios

To reinforce these skills, participants practised expressing their needs in different relationship situations:

Scenario 1: Household Responsibilities

Situation: One partner isn’t helping with dishes.

·         ❌ Instead of: “You never help with the dishes. You’re so lazy.”

·         ✅ Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I do all the cleaning. I’d appreciate it if we could take turns doing the dishes.”

Scenario 2: Different Needs for Physical Touch

Situation: One partner desires more affection.

·         ❌ Instead of: “You’re so cold and never want to cuddle.”

·         ✅ Try: “I feel disconnected when we don’t have physical touch. I’d love if we could hold hands more often.”

Scenario 3: Social Plans

Situation: One partner feels left out when plans are made without consulting them.

·         ❌ Instead of: “You always make plans without me. Do I even matter to you?”

·         ✅ Try: “I feel unimportant when plans are made without my input. I’d love for us to check in with each other before finalising plans.”

 

Final Thought

Every disagreement has the potential to bring you closer if approached with care. Next time conflict arises, pause, breathe, and try the formula. You might be surprised at how it transforms your conversations—and your relationship.

 

About Almost Peaceful

Hi, I’m Angela and I help individuals and couples build meaningful connections. Through Love Upgraded and other relationship coaching sessions, I empower people with tools to communicate effectively and create fulfilling relationships.

If you’d like to improve the way you navigate conflicts and express your needs, reach out at  angela@almostpeaceful.sg. Let’s work together to strengthen your relationships—one conversation at a time.